Carpe Diem!

Tommy and I were traipsing through the Dunedin Botanical Gardens. We didn’t know what else to do. We were both consumed by a feeling of apathy, unproductiveness. Boredom. 

“Man, I just don’t know what to do aye,” I complained. We had just entered a thick part of bush, and it felt a bit damp in there. It seemed to reflect my mood. “I handed my CV in to so many cafes. Like, at least 12. And didn’t get a single reply.” Tommy simply listened; he is good that. “I’m a Hospitality Management Graduate! I mean, I have experience!”

Things seemed to only be getting worse for me and my so called 'Quest'. My keyboard was still broken and I couldn’t make videos. I was trying to get a job (finally), but nobody seemed to be interested in hiring me despite my qualifications. My motivation to practice my instrument and to begin writing stories for my blog had all but evaporated. The creativity and zest I thought I possessed was actually an illusion. Things were only getting worse…

“Yeah man, it sucks,” Tommy said. “Just get on the benny.” I swivelled around and eyed him askance. I thought he was joking, but he wasn’t. I didn’t want to sign up for the benefit; that would go against everything I was working for in 2018. Everything... “Na I can do this. Surely someone will hire me…”

We carried on milling about the Botanical gardens, as the precious hours of the day drifted by unnoticed. I tried envisioning all the videos I wanted to make and all the stories I wanted to write. They were like clouds in my mind - they morphed and manoeuvred the vastness of my hopes and dreams; always in sight but forever out of reach. I stopped reaching, and let those clouds poof out of existence. The projects I wanted to make were never going to be made. I was spiralling downward; only ever losing motivation, only slipping further away from the original inspiration that had me interested in pursuing the Arts in the first place. "Lets go home," I mumbled.

When we arrived home, all I could do was collapse onto my bed, a groaning heap of boredom. I didn’t even so much as glance at my keyboard. What is wrong with me?! Why am I so unproductive? I rolled off the bed and thumped onto the floor, then crawled over to where the list of songs that I wanted to record lay, all alone. I pulled it to my face. Only one song of 25 was crossed off. One. I needed to make these videos dammit! I needed to just get on with it! But I couldn’t… My keyboard was broken… I had no motivation, no energy. I needed…!

I needed to relax. The expectations I had of myself were just too damn high. With every song on that list, I wanted to produce something marvellous - I wanted to present the song performed to perfection, with a spectacular scene behind it. That’s why I was stuck in the mud. I was asking too much of myself. I was expecting myself to create Art that was way above my capabilities: I wanted to create such beautiful work that in fact I wasn’t creating any work at all. And now I was drowning in boredom. I needed to take it a few notches down, and just work on creating stuff. I just needed to go ahead and create! To just make it happen, damn the quality! I needed to make my next video ASAP, lest I be consumed!

The list… I took it back into my hands and scanned it from top to bottom. “Energy song 1”. Number 12 on the list was called ‘Energy Song 1’. Many of my pieces didn’t have names yet; perhaps the name would come when I made them into videos. I sat in front of my keyboard and launched Energy Song 1 through the keyboard and into my ears, letting my fingers do their dance on the keys. Indeed, it was energetic, and I started to feel its pulse. I played it once. Twice. A third time. Note by note I was drilling energy from the music, through my fingers and into my system, warding away that boredom. It started to feel good, and I was beginning to get excited to record it. It wasn’t perfect, but I could still play it most of the way without mistakes. “Damn the quality!”

I grabbed my camera and attached the tripod. I was really doing this. It was time to make my next video. As I was placing the tripod, positioning the shot, adjusting the lamp lighting and cleaning my desk, I wondered why I didn’t do this sooner. I can afford to record a song in my room… of course I can. My room is a nice setting... And so I just went for it. No more pandering around. I hit record - on the camera and Logic Pro X - and played the damn song. One take. I got it. Damn the quality.

I sat there on my desk, watching the footage and matching the music with it. “Sieze the day! That’s what I’ll call it!” It had the energy. It had the motivation. Suddenly, all that boredom, lethargy, and laziness had been completely wiped from my system. I felt thrilled to have just got on with it, and made my next video. It was already JULY! What was I doing in February, March, April, May, and JUNE!? This was my second video. My SECOND! I committed my life to creating Music and videos and Writing, and halfway through the year, all I had was TWO VIDEOS! Not even a scrap of writing progress ….

“Seize the Day dammit!” I had to seize the day, lest I be completely defeated!

— — — 

The following day...

“Yeah it’s got a pretty nice view,” Tommy said from the driver’s seat of the Emerald Wagon. I was in the back, hanging out with my Casio Px5s - the one with the broken key. My camera was there too, and my laptop. Yep. I was going for my 3rd video. Wasting no time. I promised myself I would seize the day, so that’s exactly what I was going to do. That thought telling me my keyboard was broken? Yeah, I challenged that thought to its brutal end. One broken key wasn’t going to stop me now. 

But the day… It wasn’t so great.

“It’s pretty gray today,” Kush said. She was tagging along for a ride. Tommy said the spot was pretty cool, and it had a good view, and she was keen to check it out too. And only 15 minutes out of Dunedin. It looked like rain was starting cause a fuss in the corners of the sky. And the sunlight was diminishing with every kilometre we drove. The underbrush on the side of the motorway even looked disappointed with the weather.

We reached the ‘spot’, and it looked the carpark to some construction sight. The ground was wet and muddy like some gnarled chocolate desert, with piles of rocks to the left and right, and a mild view of the surrounding hill. It was mediocre at best. I scrambled up the muddy road to the rocks where the 'view’ was best, trying not to slip. It was getting dark, and rain was starting to fall. “What do you think?” Tommy asked, clambering up next to me. I surveyed the land, trying to decide whether or not it was worth a shot. “I’m gonna do it. There’s not much time. I need your help.” We hurried back to the car, and I grabbed the keyboard; Tommy grabbed my chair and stand, Kush the camera. We scrambled back up the muddy hill. And then I went for it, bustling about setting up the keyboard and the camera and the laptop.

And just when it was all ready to go, a huge gust of wind charged the hilltop, sending my bag flying. Rain picked up speed and starting attacking my keyboard and camera. We frantically packed up the expensive electric equipment before the rain flogged them, and fled back to the car down the muddy road. Mud from our shoes splattered the insides of the Emerald Wagon as if it was paint. The keyboard case, the camera, laptop - all of it, wet with mud. 

Another failure. But I had no choice - I had to Seize the day, regardless of whether it was shit or not.

— — —

Two days later...

I was starting to get frustrated, tapping the driving wheel with my fingers. I had been zooming about the outskirts of Dunedin, looking for my next shot. There were some really great views, but there was nowhere to set up my keyboard. It was a serious consideration - I needed a section of level ground to set up. At last, I found one, but there was no carpark, and it was over a barbed fence. 

It was a struggle to lug everything over the fence, and myself, without clipping the barbs. And then to set up in the paddock. Cow dung was minding its own business just shy of where I placed my tripod, and sheep were watching from afar. I set up the camera, and did a test shot. It looked like something my 12 year old sister could do… The colours were all wrong, the lighting was bad, and the focus was all wonky. Annoyed by how bad it looked on the camera, I packed up, challenged the barbed fence once more, loaded my car, and went on my way again.

Frustration. Again. Why was it so difficult to find a place to film a video? I had been driving for at least 2 hours, trying out shots here and there. Now I was on my last thread - the day was descending into rain, and I was quickly losing my opportunity to make my 3rd video, and cross another song off that list. So I took a spontaneous turn on the road and headed up flagstaff hill. When I reached the carpark, there was not a nice shot to be seen. Tussock hills, roads, trees - it was far short of spectacular. I needed a view! I darted down some of the paths to see if I could find a view, but I was only met with more trees and more tussock. So I went on my way again, down the road, until I noticed an old, unused road re-conquered by the grass. I pulled up and followed it up a little way, and at last I found my view. It was average - nothing too spectacular - but I had invested in this filming mission, and I wasn’t about to go home empty handed. 

So I went for it. The song I recorded was originally called ‘Jaqueline’, and it was the one I was going to film at Moke Lake. But now here I was, on a wind-swept hill side, overlooking a moody Dunedin, performing the piece with chilly fingers. I ended up calling it ‘Rock Bottom and Forgotten’. 

And so, I had found the secret. It was as simple as just doing it. All I needed to do was Seize the day. No matter what, I vowed to make something of every day, because I still had every day. I still didn’t have a job - nobody seemed to want to hire me - and so I still had all the time in the world to go ahead and make videos and music and writing. I needed to do it.

So, Carpe Diem!